#5) Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

The Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest is crazier than bat shit.

Not only does it slash open the raw underbelly of all that is wrong with America with its focus on simultaneous gluttony, greed and competition, for a while America couldn't win it!

Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi of Japan won it six years running.

Take that, America!

But not so fast, Japan.

In 2007, America reclaimed its rightful throne when California native Joey Chestnut broke through the hot-dog-eating sound barrier to chow down 66 dogs in 12 minutes, setting a new world record.

Someone keeps track of this, you ask?

That's 66 dogs with buns, thank you very much.

Chestnut is also apparently a long-time favorite in the Waffle House World Waffle Eating Championship AND the Wing Bowl, proving that yes, Virginia. There really are people that white trash. Pure bat shit.

#4) R Kelly

R Kelly is crazier than bat shit.

In an interview with Hip Hop Magazine, R Kelly, the most pedophilist man in hip hop, compared himself to Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.

"I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Bob Marley of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now," Kelly said.

Its hard to imagine, really. Thinking that you possess the skills of Bob Marley AND Martin Luther King AND Muhammad Ali, and then to use that magic to create the 12-part "Trapped in the Closet" epic.

His genius is shining through me right now as I think about it.

That alone would be enough to get him in the Bat Shit Hall of Fame, but add to that a never-ending trial on "child sex charges" and the appearance of a last-minute mystery man who will testify to something in his defense? Bat Shit Gold.

Pretending that's someone else in that sex tape of you having sex with a child? Priceless.

R Kelly might need a whole blog devoted just to his crazy.

#3) Foreign Dictators Part 1 - Kim Jong-Il

Foreign Dictators, for the most part, are way, way crazier than bat shit.

In this series we examine the little things that make them their own precious selves.

Kim Jong-Il, the great leader of Fortress North Korea, is such an easy target he might as well have a bullseye that says "CRAZY" in the middle of his forehead.

This guy has that magical "it" that can make hundreds of millions of people afraid of you and leave so-called world powers like the United States contemplating whether a ban on Segways or Maker's Mark would have any effect on diplomatic relations.

I believe that "it" involves plutonium and the world's 4th largest standing army.

From what people say who manage to escape, North Korea is a land of interment camps and mass starvation, but Kim Jong-Il has such a tight grip on the nation that any time a Western journalist manages to infiltrate Pyongyang they are shuffled about with a legion of handlers who take them from tiny depressing apartment to tiny depressing apartment where entire families pay homage to the Dear Leader every 15 seconds. His picture is the only one on the walls. People who have their sight restored after cataract surgery don't thank the doctors. They prostrate themselves in front of pictures of Kim Jong-Il. He's like Jesus, but short and Korean. And evil.

And to top it all off this guy has some serious quirks, even beyond the Falcon Crest glasses. It is rumored that he has a thing for whiskey and he perms his hair. Oh yeah, and he can make thousands of children dress up in costumes and perform dances for him. Whenever he wants. And he does.

There are rumors he wants to get on FaceBook. Let's just hope he doesn't really. I wouldn't turn down that friend request. No way.

#2) Gas Prices

Gas prices are crazier than bat shit.

To prove that gas prices are crazier than bat shit, I'd like to point out that I stole this graphic from a story published in October 2006. That is eons ago in gas-price time, and back then it probably cost like $2.59 a gallon and people wanted to kill themselves.

Right now, a gallon of gas in Stratford, Conn., will cost you $5.00. In Spring Valley, N.Y., it is $5.06. If you want gas for $3.30, you have to go to bumble-fuck rural Florida. However, you will spend $250 in gas getting to Florida, where you will probably be killed by the locals for your gas money. Gas money is the milk money of 2008.

Gas prices are so out of control that it makes you seriously reconsider whether you actually need to go to the place you think you need to go. Chances are, you don't. Stay home. Play with your Nintendo Wii. Masturbate. Call your mom. Just for the love of God and all things holy, don't. drive. anywhere.

#1) Paula Abdul

Paula Abdul is crazier than bat shit.

While she may be Forever Our Girl, it would appear that American Idol's favorite lady judge had a bit too much of the hooch before the show. In the clip above Paula Abdul has obviously been paying so little attention to what is actually going on around her that she is somehow able to see into the future and tell Jason Castro that yes, he is about to suck. Or that he is about to not suck. Either way, she exposes the man behind the American Idol curtain by letting slip that their comments are neither spontaneous nor about the performance they just saw.

Where is the Paula Abdul of "Opposites Attract" or "Cold Hearted Snake"?

The slightly slutty girl-next-door has turned into someone who points out how "You're just so you right now, I can see how much your soul is shining and feel the love that you give off in your own special precious you-way."

If, perchance, I were to get up and say these things on live national television, they would give me a Depakote and send me away. Paula? I'm willing to bet money that even if she wore sparkly fairy wings to every show and started speaking in Pig Latin, she'd still have a television contract and I'd still be bitching about it in a blog.

Welcome!

This blog is devoted to things that are crazier than bat shit.

You'll be surprised at how many things there are.