#15) Political Apologies

Thinking that saying you're sorry for being an outright racist/bigot/sexist/asshole/pervert and thinking that absolves you for said behavior is crazier than bat shit.

However, politicians in the United States, in the wake of the Monica Lewinsky scandal and Bill Clinton's mea cupla, seem to think that they can get away with whatever inane stupidity they want, as long as they apologize for it.

Take Kentucky Rep. Geoff Davis who issued a public apology to Senator Barak Obama, the presumptive Democratic nominee for president this year, for calling him a "snake-oil salesman" and "boy." (Ouch. Asshole.)

He apologized! That's almost like he never did that! Great!

But being the narcissistic creatures they are, politicians today have upped the Apolog-ante on each other, and now they have to apologize for and disavow comments made by OTHER PEOPLE. This is our new favorite political smoke and mirrors game.

It's like when a friend's boyfriend back in the day started telling a story about "some n*gg*r" in front of another friend who was black. And she kept trying to apologize for him. But really, she wasn't the racist asshole.

Case in Point:

Recently Gen. Wesley Clark said the following on CBS news: "I don’t think riding in a fighter plane and getting shot down is a qualification to be president."

Guess what team? It isn't. No more than fighting in Iraq qualifies today's military to up and lead the country tomorrow. Being in the army qualifies you for a lot of things. Being the CEO of America isn't one of them.

Being older than Alaska and Hawaii and having served for many years in the United States Senate? Those things make you a viable presidential candidate. Having legislative and policy experience? Check! Having demonstrated electability to a national office? Check!

McCain, in a very crafty maneuver, responded to Gen. Clark by telling Obama he could apologize. Because that makes sense. Here's how the New York Times broke it down:

Mr. McCain, at a news conference in Harrisburg, Pa., said he thought remarks like General Clark’s were “unnecessary” and that the question of an apology was up to Senator Obama; but he added that the comments seemed to be part of a pattern.

“If that’s the kind of campaign that Senator Obama and his surrogates and supporters want to engage in, I understand that. But it doesn’t reduce the price of a gallon of gas by a penny” or do anything else to help Americans.

He added a moment later, “I know that General Clark’s comment is not an isolated incident. I have no way of knowing what involvement Senator Obama has in that issue.”

In what issue? In pointing out legitimate facts?

If we said something stupid about John McCain or if we were to say, point out that being able to juggle and whistle at the same time didn't qualify anyone to run Microsoft, it would be absolutely crazier than bat shit for Obama to have to say "I am Barak Obama, and I in no way endorse that bat shit."

#9) Thinking Fred Thompson Could Be President

Thinking that the guy who plays the D.A. on Law and Order could and should be elected President of the United States of America in 2008 is crazier than bat shit.

One of the first clues that the esteemed news media should have picked up on when they anointed Fred Dalton Thompson, a.k.a. District Attorney and King of All Things Inappropriately Folksy Arthur Branch, the Republican front-runner and Savior of America was the fact that he has an IMDB page.

Anyone that has an IMDB page should automatically be viewed with suspicion, and if your principal occupation for the last several years was playing the guy who showed up in the last two scenes of Law and Order and told off Sam Waterstone/A.D.A Jack McCoy? You make our list!

For one, no one that Red State would EVER be voted to a position of power in anything-goes New York City.

Guiliani (future post) may have traded Times Square's hookers for Disneyland, but it really remains the only city in America where passing a naked man with a glow-stick strapped to his penis who was singing N'Sync tunes on a bench in Bryant Park at 4 p.m. would just be viewed with vague suspicion, but no one would have a visible reaction. In New York City, you could be on fire, and the passers-by that actually did notice you would assume you were performance art.

Fred Thompson also always has crazy-eye. That kind of 1000-mile stare thing that makes you think that he's wondering what you'd look like roasting on a spit when he looks at the camera. For being in movies like The Hunt for Red October and the critically-esteemed Looking For Comedy in the Muslim World, he is surprisingly un-photogenic.

He's the anti-J.F.K. And dissing J.F.K. is like saying you support genocide or think its great that the New Kids on the Block got back together. Reeking of bat shit. Everybody loves J.F.K. Except Probably Castro (See Foreign Dictators).

Add to that the fact that - IN SPITE OF THE FACT THE HE WAS A UNITED STATES SENATOR FROM TENNESSEE (which gave us both Al Gore and Dolly Parton. Think about that for a second.) - when talking about American political issues, foreign affairs and oh, anything involving higher thinking, he sounded like a weird Regan montage put together by someone who didn't speak English, and you've got the point.

No wait! It's better! Fred Thompson was born in 1942. The picture above, courtesy of Wikipedia, is from 2007. Those are his children.