# 19) Octo-Mom!

At first it seemed like a beautiful, touching story. The kind of story TLC makes into shows because watching happy families full of dozens of people is precious! Mostly because the rest of us are kind of fucked up.

But glory! A lady in California had eight babies! Eight babies! At one time! Neat-o!

But then... le deluge.

The details started coming out, and Nadya Suleman, 33, was revealed to be so bat-shit crazy that she has single-handedly -- or should that be 16-handedly, there are so many hands we can't keep count -- revived "Things That are Crazier Than Bat Shit" from its dormant state.

We had shit to do. We were hibernating. Sorry about that.

Back to our screed.

Not only did the new Queen of Bat Shit already have six kids and no husband, Suleman got knocked up with eight fetuses -- through artificial insemination -- on purpose!

On purpose people! Sweet Jesus on a pogo stick!

Do you see that ghastly stomach? No wonder she had to have it done artificially! Who in their right mind would want to go anywhere near that horror-show of a stomach? Who is their dad? What man is participating in this orgy of inappropriate?

Note: Not willing enough to actually have sex with her. Just willing to jerk off to Maxim in a bathroom and then let the sailors fall where they may.

(New Rule: If you won't fuck her, don't give her your sperm in a cup! Your kids will not be hot!)

But really now, because every bat shit post about comi-tragic pregnancy has to have a tragic side, because we do, after all, have souls around here...

She already had six children, three of whom are disabled. She was already on welfare, and she used that money to pay for her fancy, totally immoral and about-to-have-his-license-revoked fertility doctor. (Fertility? I'll say!)

Here's where we really sniffle. She did it all because she wanted to have a big family because she was lonely and had a dysfunctional childhood. The horror! No one else ever had one of those! Impregnante us each with 12 children now!

But for the love of god. Get 37 cats. Go smoke crack. Take up bingo at Indian casinos. Randomly start killing people in post offices so that you can make friends in prison. Prison is full of ladies desperate for your attention!

Don't start bringing innocent and now possibly disabled children into this world by the 2/3 dozen because you're issue-fied.

The coup de grace in this harrowing tale of bat shit is this: Apparently it was God that told her to stop having children now. (Nope, not before that!)

Was it God or the fact that after baby 14 your uterus fell out?

Now, furious masses of California taxpayers are paying $12,000 a day to keep each of your litter alive while you talk to Anne Curry and get lip implants. Don't even get us started on this lady's face. Inside sources link this breed of bat shit to Brangelina worship, which opens up a whole other can of... Well, you know.

But for the love of all things bat shit, please Nadya, please never, ever have another baby. Ever. We triple dog dare you. Or we're going to come out there and beat your ass. We mean it.

Photo nabbed from TMZ.com.

#8) The Indian Baby Dropping Ritual

Throwing a baby off a roof is crazier than bat shit.

In the Indian province of Maharashtra, adults take infant children and throw them off of a 50-foot building, catching them with a sheet like some kind of Loony Toons clown act, "to ensure longevity and health."

Now, to any sane, rational human being, throwing a baby off of a roof would seem to do exactly the opposite of ensuring that it stays alive. In fact, it seems like a very good way to make sure that baby dies right quick.

This ritual has somehow been taking place for centuries at a Muslim temple in the Musti village of Maharashtra. Parents that want to have their baby "blessed", i.e. thrown from the roof of said temple, pray at the Baba Shiekh Umar Shaeb Dargah temple, and then the tossing begins.

Coincidentally, the prayers are to thank god for giving them a healthy baby. "Oh yeah god? Well how do you like them apples?" Toss.

Can you imagine this happening in, say, Chicago?

American #1: "Oh, what are you doing today?"

American #2: "I'm going to go throw some babies off of a roof for God."

American #1: "Cool. Wanna grab a drink after?"

The only person who might be able to get away with saying something like that and not going to prison is probably Paula Abdul. Because no one can ever understand what she's talking about anyway.